its freezing in here.. i mean freezing.
- needs to fucking go.
if i said, i could have another you in a minute..
would i be lieing?
why am i always in trouble?
i don't know what to do with myself when i am bored,
i've been completely restless all day. i can't sit still.
i could really use something to do with myself.
i'm going coo coo.
hot apple cider or coffee?
i slept for from 2am until 8am
then fell back like 15 min later until 4pm
..who sleeps that long?
i use to have a not being able to sleep disorder. hmm
and i always have the wildest dreams anymore,
one of my recent was, going in a basement where there was a swiming pool
full of power rangers and aliens, but it was actual people in halloween
costumes, staring at me. ehh
oh yeah, My Mom is an obsessed physco
i just got in a fight with her about Community service i have to do.
and DATS... she is so fucking annoying.
i dont care if its for my own good, i know how to
do things and take care of myself,
for all the mental abuse she has put me thru,
for not ever being good anough for her, and alwways
haveing to look and do things she wants,
i've snapped, i thought it would end after high school, but it only is worse now... shes put me thru so much shit,
with not being good enough, andher makeing me feel gross..
i've had councilign and anxiety medicine, what 19 year old
is perscribed to xanax.. like wtf,
maybe i jjust need to sit her down and tell her,
i did before and she cryed, i guess its hard to change,
since she only wants the best for me, but i guess some people
just dont realise what they can do to someone..
ahhhhhhhh... fuck this_
i miss someone. i miss..
it's soo gloomy and nice out today, thats the good stuff..
i haven't updated in forever, wow...
i guess i was too busy, or just forgot i had this..
haha i missed typing bullshit in here. ha.
Summer was reall sick.
Life has been ok. I need lots of money.
I turned 19 ON September 30
Marcus took me to New York to see a Phantom OF the Opera and stuff..
It was soo much fun, it was the best! WE went to the craziest Resturant..
i don't really know how we made it there, or back.
it was soo funny. He makes me soo happy, weird? ha.
It's already Fall, it's the best season.
sooo nice out..
Hayridessss, Draculas forest was not scary haha.
i can't wait for halloween.
Mascarade girls. mmm!.
I miss Jen, she moved an hour in a half away. Blah.
Oh and i miss Megan too, she also moved, we never get to hangout
like we use to anymore. we had such crazy timesss in the summer.
all the crazy parties aww =( and going to the lake to tan. =( haha
I want to Make out with Amy Lee soo bad. hahaha
I had a wicked lastnight. and im sorry. i was out of control
i dont know tho?..
it might snow this weekend, so i've heard on the NEWs.. yeah rite.!
those fuckers always lie to us.
I love Eric's Girlfriend Britt, she's one of the realest people,
i've ever met.. why cant more people be like that..
ha lets not down on everyones faults i guess, i'll ened up
in tears.... sigh.
apple cider. - from starbucks.. ohyess
ok so i'm going to see The Departed tongiht..
i go to the movies way to much, i see everything that comes out.
haha.. and texas chain saw sucked, i was bummed out.
i'm going to shower now,
see you soon <3 hah
|Mood:|| just yeah.|
i like marcus alot.
everything goes by. (bye)
so how long does it take for
our air between us to ....
not like i don't know how to expect
the unexpected.. ha
the aggravation, i need to get out
of me... i don't think will ever fully
leave... eh maybe
Some people are just fucking ridiculous
.. so lets start this off
my friends left me outside for an hour...
and went in this kids house down in plains...
cause i wasn't allowed in..
which made me think LONG and hard...
of why they were and i wasn't
what makes them any better of a person then i am
thats kinda sad do to the fact of them being fooled..
but i'm not about to talk real bad shit on anyone..
it's not worth it.. at all
they finally come out,
and yea i as mad..maybe i even got a little loud
and said a few things on my mind..
well i just wanted to go home..
then my friend goes well maybe if you didnt have a drug addition
you could have came in...
welll HA FUCKINH HA... they told them i huffed eether befroe...
yeah i smelled it.. WELL i was in a god damm car that my friends
were doing it in and i passed out from the fumes..
BUT that makes me some kind of drug addict ... right
i love how they mmake me the fucked up one...
when they smoke pot...
and whoever said i did it..
is wrong cause i never touched pot...
yeah i might have acted like an asshole and drank.. :(
but never drugs... ughh
i shouldnt even care too dignify myself..
cause it doesnt even matter..
i was just mad at the fact they left me sit there..
the aggravation just had to come out...
well she said i did it to her before...
but it's differnt cause i asked her to go numerous times b4 i left,
and i left her in my kitchen with my family and her friend hobes..
so i walked to about pittston derya and got to a pay phone
cause my cellphone died... and my friend came and picked me up
i'm not even mad at them..
i can't even care..
maybe it's best if i just don't involve myself..
well, i wouldnt be stuck with this headache..atleast.
i ended up geting hot chocolate with hobes, and going
with sando to wallmart...
i got dazed off looking at all the streetlights from
the top of my mountain to my house.. it was weird
alomst like one of those movies..
but about your life, and the past even
and you know where you end up
and see when your safe and when your in danger...
valentines day is going to be so lonley...
ehh.. people change.. or just stop caring i guess..
maybe they never really did care?
i'm moving along... maybe alittle fucked up from my past
ha i might never be the sameway to the whole
LOVE/date thing again, but i know what i want..
i just don't see it.
i always think to myself..
the ones there and the ones that do care..
you just push away..or you just don't notice they'are there.
i want the new Matchbook Romance cd when it comes out...
it's going to be amazing..
i made a cool poem the other morning when i woke up..
i just can't type it all right now..
but i will..
i even drew some pictures with it..
i can't even fall asleep.
i can't wait till i get a car.
and my own computer once my dads plant shuts down for good.
i'm pumped for An Angle coming to backstage..
i'm going to watch a movie in my room..
maybe even sleep..
ahhh my comfy bed..
wrapped in a dream..
When you love a woman
You see your world inside her eyes...
so i've recently been into alot of
Journey and Boston records... it's amazing
- - - - -
i bought a bunch at walmart with Hobes lastnight...
then i got into a fight with an immature girl..
so i got out of the car... but yeah
if she never said something, she wouldnt have got what she deserved back..
girls are bitches..
i don't feel bad for saying mean things_
i stand up for myself, no matter what even if
it was a wassstee, i found out alot of people are anymore, lastnight.
Love is supose to be happy..
i never was... well maybe for a little while.
i'm done. i don't deserve to deal with it..
i want to be ok.
the shower looks great right about now..
i have the worst headache in the world. ughh
bye bye _winter wind.
i had a dream about you last night.. seems the only time i ever get to see you now.
but something changed. the innocence was gone and everyone was there,
thought they all had a claim. how did it come to this. only this far, hmm.
I never do this anymore... haha live journal what the fuck.
I don't have a job anymore..
I will soon tho.
um, Christmas was alright... i guess
New Years was the worst ever...
but my friends were there so that was cool,
i miss them. they were loud and crazy like alwayss
even tho i was left in south side last night in the blistering cold.
I hate girls. Still.
and people who spread rumors cause of Jealousy...
and make me out to be someone i'm not...
but what are you gunna do, it happens all the time, hah.
I still have insomnia.
I don't think i'll ever love again..
UGh yea I have a new cell phone, it does crazy stuff.
and i'm about to go to the salvation army now... so yeah
so much for typing cool shit..
happy birthday alexa..
i cant wait to start having fun with my friends tonight.
I'm growing up...
i like it
i just got home
sitting here.. can't sleep as usual
it's snowing out there
a little too cold.
what am i doing anymore?
i dont know if it's that i want to hear your voice everyday
even just to feel safe.. but it's something crazy...
and if it's bad help me i want to lose.. if it's good, let me win already.
worried enough to go lay down in my bed.
headaches begin. :(
i can't believe that happened lastnight.
i'm leaving all of this behind.
Saturday i went to Roots halloween party,
it was loud and stuff there was like 10 kids my age there.
the rest were Root's parents workers from oreck... i came home early.
Halloween sucked. the worst yet.
My house got it on mischeif night with RED tape in the form of an
X across my porch, hmm why?
ugh , i was going to see The River City Rebels at metro tonight,
i finally got my friends to let me come
and i ended up changing my mind of even going anyways. haha jessicas a fucking outcast
My room is cleaned.
the new fiona apple and straylight run cd's are good.
i'm going to buy a car, i swear this month.
i work way too much.
i believe in Karma.
ok, so i'm going insane.
i surround myself with idiots.
and nothing is about love anymore
cause i'm not in love
in fact i can't stop falling out.
i'm disgusted, maybe grossed out.
it's a joke.
what the fuck is wrong with people..
actually, i know. useless.
and i saw way more then my eyes can hold.
yeah fucked up . huh..
on some words of advice ->
a good liar never tells a fucking lie.
keep that one in mind.
i need a good movie to watch.
oh god, the radios is already playing christmas music.
i am a vampire.
i have big lips.
Me and Jen have fun sometimes.
i dressed like a pirate for work .. the halloween-ers came me and amanda (she was a cop) well we ran out of candy so we bought more, there was like 1,000 little kids haha.. it was a fun night. we made funny videos on my camera.
afterwards Me, Amanda and Angela went to dameons to eat, we struck alot of attention at the bar cause of our costumes, and ugh we had crazy talks and laughed all night it was splended.
so i was mad cause my nails never grow, probally cause i don't eat meat or something, so my mom payed for me to get my nails done. it was a wild experience, and i ended up smudging them.
yeah i came home and dyed Daves hair for him, cause Eric fucked it up.
where do i find love? ..i'll never let the talks get old.
i can be such an asshole sometimes. fuck i hate it.
falling asleep must be awesome.
staple gun my head.
i look toward the stars and dream that me and you are airplanes.
slit my neck.
i think this is pretty, i bet you do too. ?
close your eyes
the dark outside can't hurt you
and i will never desert your bedside
so close them tight
the stars are so glad that they've found you
and on the blankets that surround you
they shine their light
they shine their light
rest your head and i will be watching from the doorway
as you drift into a perfect, peaceful sleep
and morning will come in all its simple glory
and you will find the light
and i will be there
standing in your shadow
knowing that once we were ....
don't get upset...
wow, it's been a while, i use to not have time for this shit.
but i guess now i'm starting to again.. oh well
misery loves company.
i'm 18 now.
so i don't really know where i've been all this time,
but i'm glad i'm back, i was getting scared.
i officaly saw shitiness at it's greatest these past 3 months,
yeah JESSICA you should have knew better you stupid cunt.
how many times did we go thru this...Jess..umm
and my troubled head is so clear now.. i am done.
and i can say that and mean it more then anything.
never again will i be a fool, be unhappy, or lost in anything.
people are out to hurt you. it's sick but true, you shouldnt tell
anyone anything unless you want others to know, don't trust anyone
and the people who are the closest to you are the ones that can hurt
you the most, ive been thru just like that__ not talking to people
cause of it.... it's sad but it's the truth, and i'm going to die just
like the rest of you.. i use to care... but for once in my life i can
honestly say ........i just don't care anymore.
yea i'm better now.
um..whats been goin on.. ->>>
work workkkkkkkk... it's awesome tho.
hmm, i went with Ivan to TGIFridays and the Movies to see
WAITING it was frigin halrious... then afterwards like assholes
we found Lindsey Lohans hOUSE I SWEAR TO GOD WE FOUND IT..
ummm i got to see Jareds awesome bedroom with everyone.
i started hangin out with my friends more again.
Alexa, Jen and i hungout with stuffy and murph in the square
2 nights ago, that was always a blast haha... yeah.. ughh and
Alexa finallllly let me go to williamsport to meet everyone lastnight.
i hung out with Derek, Skylar, Casey we went to the malll, friendlys and Jens car
haha it was fun.. then we went to Zacs to cut hair, and shit.
there all awesome kids. all with great hair ha silly
i stole my moms car theother day she was pissed, but hey
whe i get bored i do shit like that, and she knows i have that problem
where i like doing things i know i shouldnt be doing. blah
I bought i new camera.
I hate girls.
Coheed is amazing.
I'm going to have a Blue Christmas this year.
I'm excited. i guess.
I wanna move out of my house. but i dont think 1,500 a month is enough pay.
I just need to get out of here=......... blahhhhhhh
I erased 86 cell numbers out of my phone there alllllll gone.
so if i don't remember ur number by heart i probally never talk to u
haha but it kinda sucks now, not knowing who is callin me..
Paying for your friends suck. i can't afford it.
My brother is gross.
My hair sucks. atleast its real tho? and not like a wig peices.
hmmm but yeah
seeing Saves the day on halloween wud be sweet. real sweet.
I'm being a Pirate for halloween, preferably trying to be sexy tho. HAH
a few halloween parties and work, is where i can be this. wild.
i missed this.
i might belong.
I HAD A CRAZY DREAM the other morning.
my mom thinks im weird ...
and she got pissed when i smacked manaiose in her face the other night.
haha wow how much bullshit could i possibly have to say,
eh fuck it here is some pictures.
i'm crazy about Cillian Murphy.. <3
Casey and Skylar.. soo awesome. :-)
Jen and me...
look Jen and me again. i play the organ.
yeah i'm going now, my celll phone is ringing.
I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could've stayed but you argued.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In the backseat staring out the window....
me and jen, being assholes in williamsport
williamsport was ridiculous, we went to a cool mall, me, jen, alexa, root, and leslie..and i JYNXED US i said there is going to be and accident, what do you know, read blue lights, and our friends thru windsheild, people should stay away from me im dangerous. It was bad. we came home.
my hair is even darker now.. its dark brown with blue black streaks and dark purple peices underneath.
what a change. thankgod. maybe i don't have to move away now..
so i took this graceful picture of me eatiing a tortilla chip to piss alexa off cause she didnt have any at the time... makes me hungry just lookin at it now.
we drove to the beach a night, and i jumped in waves. it was sick. i wore a jean jacket and sweater cause it was kinda cold too.
Brian, Sean, Mike, and Chris.. are halarious and awesome.
last night was wild.. i'm an idiot, enough said. this could be the last time. hmm i got home at 4:30am..
i lost my mind.
wow. summer is gone.. FINALLY i can enjoy myself. i can't even handle waiting for haunted hay rides haha, and fall weather, i'm soo happy...
YAH! i get paid tomarrow... sickkkkness
i need to change out of my pj's...
hopefuly i can do something fun tonight,
i think im going to get a job application for jen at the red robin, or go visit my mom at work.
... it's monday, (baby)<- screams
fuckk. *is the first thing i want to say.
my birthday is 11 days. yah for [9-30]
my parents are helping me buy a new car even tho i
will be paying for practically everything.. there is still help
i will drive everywhere.
hmm.. this weekend constisted
of working 4-9's then going to plains
with Alexa and Jen to meet there new friends they met
they were nice.. so yeahh
then we went to ALexas with Big Will, Vermack, Boyko,
Erfman, Corey, and some dude.
THEY were all drinking like crazy. ugh..
So i left. I ESCAPED. i guess..
i need to find some real fun..right
so i come home to find 3 guys in my Kitchen making pizza
at like 2 am. hahaha. Eric, Dave, and Bob.
i think i'm going to the movies
with Alexa tonight.. hopefully something.
OH OH i colored my hair lastnight.
i put a few dark brown streaks thru it.
I plan on gradually going very dark.. It takes time.
to make it look the way i have sorted out.
i don't regret.
speaking of finding out, Sando discoverd something for me
I'm a one of those Lights that switch can dim for you.. A DIMMER
cause i can't decide if i want to be on or off.
Cause theres not one time in my life i gave anyone a straight awnser
even if its like what way do you wanna go in a car.
or like whats up?... its just not my sstyle, haha maybe i
dont feel what i'm gunna say is mattering anyways, i dunno.
haha so i was playing the game.
scroll on Media player and whatever song i land on an play
is the song of my life.. or my song.
and it was I Want A Lover I Don't Have To Love, by Bright Eyes.
you showed me that the worst things in life aren't worth loving.
the movie 28 days later is amazing.
I am IN LOVE WITH Cillian Murphy.
he might be the most facination creature alive.
if i can find someone that looks like him
or even himself. hah i will probally kidnap them.
We live like vampires
we love like killers...
wwwwwwwe all die like infants,
And we trust like mirrors.
i might scream so loud i will wake the dead.
i'm done now
I SLICED MY LIP..
[lastnight] before i went to see Socratic at Metro...
it was a goodnight, well kind of.
i love being sick, and i look for a cureeeeee............
i don't wearrrrr a coatt causeee i loveeeeeee the cold.....
i hate what just happeened.
livejournal, i caannnn tell you anythingg
i'm ouut of my mind, i can't even hide it anymore.
people are starting to catch on.
i love work. i love who i work with.
i need to color my hair dark, i just haven't decided what i want yet.
i was hurt the other night by someone, they hit me and kicked me
cause i don't care about them, so im hiding..they wont let me go.
it was a shitty night. real bad, but it turned out a little better.
that i remember.
i wish i could have what i want
and what i want.. stay
i'm going to have a childish fit.
maybe i'm in the wrong place like ALWAYS.
i love being fooled and anngry at night.
so many tell me i can have alot and not be lonley.
but i think i feel safe with nothing.
or just enough to feel sad.
or just confused
I JUST WANT TO BE happy... and thats what i'm going to do.
i had a dream this morning, i was going to be murdered by some young woman with a knife. and all i could do was ask her WHY.. why dont you want me living?
someone is making you do this, and well i dont even know how i escaped but she ended up crying and police were at my house.
lastnight.. ohh.. i hung out with GUY strangers.. acted stupid then went to eat, was called weird. and then ended up teaching Tim thriller at Alexas house and tango'd for a bit. night was all put to me laying in my bed thinking.
i want to shower, i love that place
the way it rains al OVER MY FACE!
the chilly weather is so nice at night. how romantic?
oh won't you kiss me! kiss me in ttthe DARK!
just tell me the truth. :/
i can't wait till Saves The Day on halloween.
Underoath was a good show last sunday.. i also met nice people.
i love to ramble on with useless shit.
i'm done here for now.
good fucking night yall.
it ends tonight.
So we talk to God..
under a dieing star that we call a sun. [hmm]
i feel lonley tonight.
you taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
painfull.. but it's mainly realization.
what a fucking blast.
Jesus Christ ..?
...God.. Lord, i'm here.
ok.. hurt me, spit in my face.. make sure i remember everything.
you sick fuck.
there is no more time left in my hour glass... so fuck off forever.
if i have to see your face one more night
i'm going too tare my eyes out and dispose them driving down a highway.
i hate you. i know i do. i have to.
someone kill me..
i tryed but it didn't work last year
and alexa punched my eye a week later
go ahead .. i'm reporting the feelings tonight. i am!
i'm still a teenager.
hahahhahahahahaha now this is getting shitty-er by the minute.
don't look at me and i will be as
good as new..
i cryed before.
work sucked "duck" tonight
i want to burn my house down..
and blow up a car.
who is going to care if we were ever here at all!
theres no need to focus when theres nothing thats worth seeing.
is this important...
NOT AT ALL.
enough of that..... so yeaaaa
how are you feeling tonight?